Why Me?

So last week I struggled quite a bit with the question, "Why me?". I understand it is a fairly normal question to ask in my situation and I had been doing pretty good at the moving forward part. However as I still look back on it, the decision to let me go just doesn't make sense and it doesn't help to have people tell me that my boss isn't doing well or it wasn't his decision. Well then whose decision was it? Who is going to stand up and take the responsibility. Who ultimately is to blame? Aside from this I am really struggling with where is my friend. I thought we had a friendship outside of work and he hasn't even once asked how I was. So what does that mean. So I decided to have a talk with one of my former co-workers and a mutual friend. During our conversation I told him that I missed my friend but more than that I wanted to the truth about my lay off. I wasn't interest in hearing about how I wouldn't get the truth and that I needed to let it go. That was Tuesday!

So Saturday, during our Career in Transition seminar this was the topic of discussion. "Why do Bad things happen to me?" Ironic? I think so and also that God has a very funny sense of humor. I came away from the seminar more encouraged and was also able to hear the words that my co-worker was trying to tell me on Tuesday. It is normal to ask the question "Why" the bottom line is that you really won't get the answers you seek. Instead it just leads to more questions, which in turn will cause one to build self-doubt and further damage their self-esteem. Interesting, very interesting....

Will I ever have that friendship again? Maybe and maybe not. Right now I just need to move forward and go down the path that God has laid for me. Some days will be easy and some days will be hard. Some days I will good job leads or interviews and others days I won't. In the end I will eventually end up where God wants me and I just need to be patient during the process.

Interviews

This week begins the interview process. I received two different calls regarding positions I have applied for! Yeah! However can I just say that I have always hated the interview process. I feel as if I sound like the biggest idiot in the world and that I won't make a good impression. I haven't really had to do this in the past, because each job I was asked to apply for and I walked into the situation knowing that the job was already mine. Weird I know. Besides the dilemma of "What do I say to make the right impression?", I am also plagued with "What do I wear?" Most of the companies I have worked for in the past are fairly casual in their dress code and I don't want to come in to the interview overdoing it! In some ways I guess it was much like when I use to travel to see customers and give the good ol' sales pitch. I was always stressing over what to wear, what to say, etc. The difference was that at least going into most of those meetings I had the opportunity to establish a report with customer beforehand, because I had been talking with them via phone and email for a number of years prior to my first visit. However, I fear it is very different walking into an interview cold. So I have decided to wear my black slacks and a turquoise twinset, dressy enough without overdoing it! At least that is what I hope to achieve. Now to go and practice my answers to interview questions!!!

Thanks Hulu!

My husband and I have had a role reversal which is also a little strange for me. See I am the night owl now and he is the one going to bed early. It is really a strange situation because ever since I have known Matt he has always been the night owl. I can stay up late on the weekends but when it comes to the work week I had to be in bed no later than 10:30 p.m. or I wasn't worth much the next day, while Matthew could stay up until 12:30 or 1:00 every night.

Most of the time in the late evening I spend playing on Facebook or watching shows. Lately the shows I have been hooked on are the reruns of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel. Thank you Hulu.com. The only reason I sought out these shows again was due to a conversation I was having with some college friends who had discovered NBC's summer show Merlin and realized that Anthony Stewart Head was playing Merlin's father in the show. This got them started talking about the crush they had on this actor when he played Giles on BtVS. Well I was hooked on the show when it first aired and in fact it was something that Matthew and I use to watch together when we were "just friends!" So I decided, heck I have time I will watch these shows again! A little corny I know but who doesn't love a little David Boreanaz now and then!

My all time favorite episode of BtVS is the musical episode that takes place in season 6. Thanks to Hulu I was able to watch the first 3 seasons of BtVS and season 1 of Angel. But it didn't satisfy my need to see my favorite episode. So I went on the big search to find free rerun showings of the rest of the seasons. Luckily TNT is replaying every episode of Angel from the beginning and it is on the DVR schedule. This just left finding the rest of BtVS, which proved a little more difficult. I eventually found a couple of sites online and I am happily plugging along! The replay quality isn't as good as Hulu's and I have some glitches but it is free and is something to do while my body and eyes decide they are tired enough to go to bed. So for tonight, I finally get to watch my favorite episode again! Hopefully I won't be too loud for Matthew, I do have the tendency to sign along to this one and I may have watch it over and over again before I move on with the rest of the season!

Daily Life

A few days ago I had the opportunity to meet with a dear friend and pastor. We spent our lunch time together discussing my current life challenge: unemployment. One of the things he is always good about is leaving me with some sound advice. Through our discussion he asked me how I was getting through each day. What was the thing I was doing to keep my attitude positive. I really didn't have a good answer for him. He had suggested that maybe I should journal my thoughts and feelings. It would be one way of letting the emotions out instead of internalizing them. He also wanted me to think outside of the box regarding my job hunting and discover what was it that God wanted me to do. Now that is a Good question; however it is one that I believe requires some more pondering.



This is what I firmly believe unemployment stinks! Bottomline I need a job just to keep me sane, on a schedule and my life in better balance. Now that I don't have a job most days I feel as if I am spiraling out of control. During the first week of unemployment I really didn't do anything other than rest, watch a lot of movies and think. Actually this was something that everyone had recommended to me. Don't do anything. Just take the time to relax and regroup. The second week I worked on organizing our paperwork and putting it away in file folders. I revised our budget and made plans to see a financial advisor from our church. I think I also began to consider putting together my resume. Week three I finished my resume, signed up for Monster, Careerbuilder and officially started the "job hunt". As each week progressed I tried to create a route to keep me in balance but actually threw that idea out the window after just a few days. Instead my day consists of watch television or shows online, spending a few hours looking for a job and then playing on Facebook. At some point in the day I will eat a lunch and I will think about what I am going to make for dinner. However there is only so much TV, reading, Facebooking, cooking and some cleaning one can do before they get completely bored. Lately, I find that I am becoming more of a night owl, which in turns means I sleep in later in the next morning. When I finally do get up I really don't want to do anything. Sad I know!

Getting out and about is good in that it is a change of scenary but I really don't go anywhere because the simple act of going somewhere means spends money. A resource that we must now conserve even more than before just to make sure we have a roof over our heads and food on the table.

Each week of job hunting is frankly depressing. Some days I find good leads and jobs that I know I am qualified for and other days not so much. The ones I apply for though are not very good about getting back to you. Most I never hear back from and that is probably the most discouraging thing about job hunting. Right now I wish life was giving me some lemons! At least I would know what to do with those!

Loving Life

I wish I could honestly say that I was loving life. However since I am currently struggling with that concept it is now going to be my new mantra for the next little while. I haven't been enjoying anything that life is throwing at me since the end of August. The dreaded day was another "Black Thursday" for me. In this case I was laid off from what I thought was my dream job after 11 years. This is a first for me. Each time I have left a job it has been on my own terms and usually I had another job lined up immediately after my last day. It's weird too because in some ways I knew it might be coming but honestly really never thought it would be me. I have experienced all sorts of emotions in the last seven weeks as I have been grieving for my old job. Working at PPP was like my second family and it is strange to now be in this identity crisis of "who am I?". Getting laid off or fired when you are a bad employee is one thing but when you are a great employee who has received nice reviews, gifts and has brought in $ 2 million contracts is another thing all together. In a nutshell it is the biggest blow to one's ego. Now I have to sit down and re-examine my life, re-assess my skills and decide what is it that I really one to do? Thus the new mantra! Loving Life.....