To Be or Not to Be...Friends!

I recently read in a friend's blog about how people are quick to point out other people's faults but overlook their own. I guess that is what got me to thinking about friendships. For the past several weeks, I have been dwelling on the roles that people play in our lives. There are people in our lives who are our role models, peers, co-workers, mentors, family members, acquaintenances and finally friends. I have specifically been evaluating the people in my life who are my friends and whether or not I am a bad friend.

Webster's defines a friend as a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard or esteem.

The interesting part of this definition is the "personal regard". Meaning to have a consideration or protective interest, thus I would interpret this comment to imply that one choses to care about the decisions their friends make during the course of their life. And with that care, may also chose to be more judgemental with said friends.


For the past couple of years, or maybe longer, I have had some of my close friendships hit the rocks. Now mind you I don't have a ton of friends, so when something goes terrible wrong with any of them, my whole world is out of whack! Some of these friendships were new and others I have had for 10 plus years.


In one case, I had apparently had too much personal regard for this friend. At the time both of us were struggling with weight and financial responsibility. We had made some tenative plans to get together for a girls' day outing and in our preparations I had mentioned we should pick an activity that wouldn't be very expensive, trying to mindful of both our financial situations. Now this friend was apparently put off by my comment and did a Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde routine with me. Somewhere in my thinking I had over-stepped a line, one that I didn't know existed, in our friendship. Now, mind you, we had been confidentes for quite awhile, trying to be each other's support through Weight Watchers and in life. Unfortunately, in the end we parted ways but not before many tears were shed by me and feelings were hurt. One of the parting comments by this friend was to tell me that I was manipulative and judgemental person and that I was a bad wife and friend. (However I am convinced on this one, she went off her meds!)

Second case, I apparently have too high of expectations for friends. A girlfriend from my high school days lives in a large Metropolitian city that I recently visited to attend a women's conference and see my mom. My mom does not live in this town and I was arriving very early in the day. So for weeks in advance I had been trying to make lunch plans with this friend with the hopes she could pick me up at the airport, take me to lunch and drop me off at the hotel in which my mom and I were staying. Never got a response until the night before telling me that she couldn't do lunch and that to ask her to pick me up at the airport was not feasible. Here is the caveat to the story, this friend has traveled to my neck of the woods many times over the past 10 years for work related conferences and each time she came, I was more than happy to pick her up at the airport and spend time with her during her down time. Yet when I need the same favor she is nowhere to be found and how dare I ask it of her. Well I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt after all she and her husband were in the middle of a foster child/adoption. So this last Thanksgiving, I again had to go to her neck of the woods to follow-up on a Customer. I knew 1 month in advance that I would be traveling to her city and again wanted to make plans to visit with her and her family along with my husband. I sent emails, left phone messages at her home and place of employment. I even booked my overnight stay at the hotel in which she works. All to have her husband tell me on the night I hoped to be able to see them, that his mother was coming in and it wouldn't be feasible to see us. Why couldn't she have told me this prior to my trip. Was it so hard to pick up the phone and call me or better yet email me?


Third case, I have too much protective interest and am judgemental about the decisions made by this friend. She and I have been friends since college and I would label her as my best friend. We were in each other's weddings, she introduced me to my husband, I spent 28 hours in a hospital while she gave birth to her first baby and we have been through just about everything together. Both of us were only children raised solely by our moms and both of us are stubborn, to a fault at times. So, as you can see we had a lot in common, which is why we have been such good friends until lately. It seems that as I have grown up/matured, settled into a career and gotten married; that even though she is married with a baby she hasn't really grown up or matured. Everytime I turn around she and her husband were changing jobs/careers or moving. Each time one of these major changes happened it was always because my friend was unhappy. Well after about the 4th move and 4th job change you can imagine that both Matthew and I were concerned that it had to be something more. Why wasn't she happy? She has a wonderful husband, beautiful baby, network of supportive family and friends and loss a ton of weight through surgery. Again I was in a situation with a dear friend that I was going to play the role of judgemental bad friend.

We began to notice that it was always Matthew and I to initate contact or outings, Matthew and I had to travel to see them, Matthew and I would drop things in a heartbeat to lend them a helping hand. However none of this was ever reciprocated. We would make plans and at the last minute they would cancel on us. I began to question things about this friend and at times would even bring up the issues with her. After all, isn't this something you are suppose to be able to do with your best friend. Apparently I was wrong, I can't tell you how many times in the last couple of years I have brought up issues, we discuss them and then they are swept underneath the carpet as if nothing ever happened. You know what happens to dirt under the carpet? It has a nasty way of re-surfacing when it gets windy! So now because of my stubborness about refusing to confront the issues yet again, we have been written off by my friend. We were not told of their 5th move, didn't receive a Christmas card (the all important first family photo kind) and did not receive an invitation to their daughter's 1st birthday party, which needless to say is tomorrow. I even wrote her an email about 2 months ago in the hopes to better communicate my feelings and the issues in our friendship only to have it all thrown back in my face that I am a bad friend.

Do you sense a theme here? I do! I'm a bad friend! Yes, I am judgemental, over-bearing/over protective and dang it I have some very high expectations! I mean well and will mostlikely over-step my bounds, but that is what I believe friends are suppose to do for each other. I never said I was perfect and I certainly didn't say I wouldn't make mistakes along the way! In fact, I believe I will make many more mistakes or bad judgements before this journey we call life is over! I just hope that I have friends in my life now who care enough about me to tell me when I've screwed up and can do it in a way that tells me I'm still their friend good or bad!